A grand don't come easy

Thugz Mansion hit (or is very close to hitting) 1000 hits, so I thought it might be a good idea to post how exactly people are finding this blog. Most search engine hits are through msn.com, the search engine of choice for people who don't know how to use the internet. The terms that have hit this site are colorful and varied. For example:

- thugz fucking
- thug
- street thugz
- short stories the thug life
- latino thugz
- thugs mansion
- thug style
- thug living
- Celebrity Mansion pictures

Needless to say, the folks looking for celebrities and juicy pictures of Max, Kevin, and I getting it on with each other will be disappointed. Wait, what am I saying? Pretty much anybody looking for thugz on the internet and hitting this blog and expecting something other than pasty kids who go to USC and whine about where they live will be disappointed. Especially the folks expecting that we show a little more genitalia on this thing.

If you are one of these people, we are, as always, sorry to disappoint.

-f.w.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Soundscape Ltd. to Release "The Soundz of Thugz Mansion"

LOS ANGELES, Oct. 9 /PRNewsWire/ -- Soundscape Ltd. (NYSE: SSCP), the leading retailer of ambient soundtracks for personal use, announced today they will begin a groundbreaking ambient soundtrack series, entitled "Urban Flows," starting with the release of "The Soundz of Thugz Mansion."

"We have seen a marked shift in our target demographics for those seeking an ambient soundtrack to put on for relaxation or meditation," says Soundscape President Gillian Moore, "We've found that this entire market has become stale. Everyone just releases jungle sounds and beach noises. Those are great, but we started to ask ourselves: 'Are we doing everything we can as a company to push the envelope of ambient relaxation soundtracks? Instead of releasing Ocean Waves 12, let's do something different. Let's shake things up!"

"This marks a definite new direction for this market," notes music analyst Jack Schmetterling of the RIAA. "We've even recommended that Soundscape put the industry level copy protection schemes on this new CD, because I anticipate demand will be so high across all demographics that piracy will be inevitable."

"We've gone to great lengths to get the most relaxing, authentic soundscapes possible," says Wørf Goddelstaag, lead recording engineer. "The inhabitants of Thugz Mansion in South Los Angeles graciously allowed our engineers to set up our microphones and record the same sounds that Thugz across L.A. hear everyday. We've taken these beautiful, soothing soundtracks and processed them with the latest in DLP digital technology so the sound experience will be just like if you were there. For select tracks, we've even enlisted the help of noted avant garde new age pianist Johann Georgstein to lay some backing tracks over. Truly, these are the most complex, layered, and soothing tracks I've recorded to date."

"We intend this debut, groundbreaking CD for everyone," says Moore. "It's important I think, in our day and age, to take a moment to reflect on our day, and what better way to do it but Thug Style. Now, even if you live in the Hamptons, you can get a nappy-ass rocking chair with armrest all cut up from when your cousin Vincent was so jittery couldn't hit his damned vein with the coke needle, all stabbin' and flailin' like a motherfuck, lounge back with a couple of forty's and bottles of Henessey XO, knockin' em back with your Tec on your lap, flipping off the gate security cops as they do their rounds, and generally swearing up a storm, and kick Tru' Thug Style to an authentic digitally mastered soundscape of South Central Los Angeles blaring from your built-in embedded Bose porch outdoor speakers. All your white-ass crackah neighbors will truly 'know your steez' from that point onward! And if you're meditating, right on the cusp of nirvana, the sound of ice cream trucks and Latino women swearing at each other loudly in Spanish will make sure you stick around in the 'hood' and keep it real. None of that non-violent Buddhist shit for you, G!"

The CD will go on sale on October 13th.

---

TRACK LISTING (with MP3 previews):
1. Intro: South Central (What, what, what?)
2. A Mutt's Comment on the Music of the Ranch
3. Underneath the Holding Pattern for LAX
4. Birdsong and Soft Ice Cream Summers
5. The Bagmen Swear and the Children Cry
6. Reflections on a Lazy Sunday Afternoon
7. Mufflers and Gentle Acceleration Are Not Thug
8. The Plaintive Cry of a Hound and Garbage Disposal
9. These Cans Will Feed Me Another Day
10. My System Rattles Louder Than Yours
11. Outro: Thug Life 4 Lyfe (Aiight?)

They can't cope with me

Yesterday, Kevin and I tried to repair his broken mirror with a new part. On his Ford truck, this involves removing the plastic side panel on the door, and popping off the clips that hold it in. While we sat on one side of the street, engaged in mortal combat with this side door, screwdrivers in hand, a car pulled up on the other side.

Normally, this is not a big deal. However, several things immediately made it clear to both Kevin and I, both of whom, I might add, are about as far from "hood' as a rear license plate, that this particular car wasn't your ordinary one.

1. The car was a Ford Taurus.
2. The car was a glaringly non-discreet shade of government gray.
3. The car, despite being a Ford Taurus, appeared to be taken care of. Every other Ford Taurus on our block usually was missing parts or in various states of barely drivable disrepair.
4. The driver was white.
5. The driver had shoulders that intruded on the passenger seat.
6. The driver was wearing sunglasses that screamed authority.
7. The driver was parked halfway in a driveway with his car idling.

Kevin and I immediately assumed this guy is either an undercover cop or a private eye of some sort. If he wasn't packing heat, then he was definitely packing some stun gun he ordered off a shady spy catalogue from some store in the middle of Illinois with some grandiose name like "The Thugbuster 10,000" (the 10,000 figure being slightly misleading, as the one shock that this particular stun gun provides before short circuiting and killing its user would be the equivalent of biting on tin foil).

The final cherry on the proverbial shit cake was that he was speaking into his phone in an unconventional manner. Rather than risk his detective mind to the brain cancer that awaits us all by holding the phone to the side of his face, he had it held in front of his mouth, palm forward, and at a slight angle, in a manner as if the phone was a two-way radio. He employed the method of someone who has just pulled a radio from his pocket, brought it to bear on his chops, and mouthed a "Ten-Four," on a Motorolla flip phone he got at Radio Shack for free after signing up with Verizon.

It was probably on speaker mode, or he was dictating the observations of a keen, discerning mind, into his mom's answering machine.

Kevin and I, wondering if he could be any more obvious, or attract any more attention into himself, were both prepared to approach him on the other side of the street and ask straight up, "Excuse me, sir, are you lost or on a stakeout?" But his keen detective intuition, perhaps sensing impending embarassment, told him to pull out of that space and execute a three point turn in the middle of the street. No sooner than he finished point one of the three point turn, did cars from both ends of the street slam on their brakes and beep loudly at this gray Ford Taurus sitting in the middle of the street. He kept his cool, finished the three point turn, and sped off.

Apparently, his Holmes-like instincts neglected to tell him to check his mirrors before pulling into traffic.

As we laughed at this veritable Bond, I had to shout at an old lady a few feet away, who attempted to steal a small box of my drill bits I had left by the truck we were working on. I am standing with a screwdriver in my hand. She sheepishly returns it, mumbling "Ya know, I figured if somebody left it there, I might as well take it."

I fumed. "You're lucky that Johnny Law just happened to wreck his shit on his driving test just now. I'd hate to see what he'd do."

-f.w.